walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
