These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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