Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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