things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize