if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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