There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
love makes seman taste better
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
