i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The air was thick with penises
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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