Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
ok first of all what the fuck
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
