I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
