I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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