i was born a porn star she said
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
