This girl is more easily done than said...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
