My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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