Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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