you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
