i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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