just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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