I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
