dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
