finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize