Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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