I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize