This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
