why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
