Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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