TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
