u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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