I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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