He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
