I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
