I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
