I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
