Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
