omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
whose parrot is this?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
