Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
