I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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