So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
