they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
