You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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