Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
