Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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