Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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