Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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