this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize