Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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