2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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