you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize