I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
