well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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