I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
