if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love you. Go after that dick
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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