SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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