I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
