I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
