we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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