Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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