I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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