Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
