Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
