I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
