if only i could text you this smell
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
