im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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