at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
