i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
