The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
