I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
