PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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