i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
