I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
