Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
