I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
